Every now and then (usually on the Internet or Television) someone decides to be clever and point out that the inclusion of navels (belly buttons) is an anachronism in any painting depicting Adam & Eve as it conflicts with the source material on that point [Q.I. I’m looking at you]. However, by the same standard, there are usually about 14 or so inaccuracies on any given painting of the original sin couple that oft go overlooked due to the lazy scrutiny applied. So here once and for all is an accurate depiction, according to the first chapter of history’s best seller, pointing out the anachronisms in all the others. This was done in fun and not intended as some manner of religious preaching but purely an entertaining exploration of literal comprehension in material that inspired art but not attention to detail. It was largely inspired by a conversation had while looking at the label of a popular Belgian Beer.
Warning: contains cartoon nudity scribbled in Microsoft Paint with a mouse. If this offends you I suggest tearing your eyes out for a less troubled life.
[Rest of article beneath picture]
01. No Clouds
Pre flood era. Cloud formations that decorate many a renaissance painting sky couldn’t have existed until Noah’s time some two thousand years later to smite man with forty days and nights of flood grade rain and creating an environment in which Noah’s wine had an actual chance to finally ferment and allowing him to be the first man to get drunk and dance naked.
02. Serpent yet to be cursed to crawl on its belly
God must have been feeling pretty light hearted to curse a snake to crawl on the ground like a... well, snake. Therefore the assumption has to be that it had some manner of appendages and interesting appearance to warrant choice for spokesman for the forbidden fruit by the devil. In order for it to be a true downgrade there had to be; legs definitely; wings possibly; horns, frills, and fancy hat optional.
03. Wild unbrushed hair
Garden of Eden predates the manufacture of most hair care products and grooming apparatus. Although the wild hair can’t, in all fairness, be 100% guaranteed as perhaps she had the silky smooth hair of a waterfall bathing lady from a 1990s shampoo commercial. The Bible wasn’t really specific on this, but until a sequel comes out that really discusses the issue, it’s probably fair to say fingers and water only did so much against the wind that may or not have been an issue.
04. Unplucked eyebrows
05. Fruit no longer in production (not an apple)
Much like the Tree of Life and its immortality sustaining fruit, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and its falsely advertised “Make you as smart as God” fruit was impounded in the Garden of Eden with two burly Angels brandishing flaming swords guarding the only entrance until it was either decimated or dematerialized during the infamous flood.
06. Unshaven armpits
See 3 and 4.
07. Adam yet to be presented with forbidden fruit
Most ‘Forbidden fruit’ paintings depict the couple standing under a tree with a snake seemingly addressing both of them. However, according to the story, Eve was on her own when the serpent gifted with speech talked her into trying the delicious fruit while Adam was probably off riding an elephant or racing ferrets. It was Eve who later brought the fruit to Adam. Just like in advertising it takes a talking animal loaded with ego boosting double speak to convince a female to buy the product and nothing more than a naked woman to convince the man.
08. Slender Vegan Frame
No animals were harmed in the making of this story. Many of the old masters seem to have had a penchant for painting the full bodied figures of the wine swilling and swine dining females they associated with at the time. Adam and eve dined on little more than fruit and vegetables while they came up with names for them (Names, no doubt, lost due to that Tower of Babel debacle some time later). They were yet to introduce animal fat to their diet.
09. Adam rocking a beard
The Schick Corporation had yet to begin its crusade of marketing its wares boasting an ever increasing quantity of parallel blades for a sub-atomically close shave. So Adam would have looked more like Grizzly Adams than the smoothskin Adonis who frequents the oil paint replicas of the ‘Keep out of reach of humans’ Tree.
10. No Navel (no umbilical)
The one everyone’s so proud of noticing because it clearly states that Adam was made of dirt and Eve of Rib. No mention of puppy dog tails or various spices in their active ingredients.
11. Olive Skin, not white (tropical Environment)
Apparently, before the firmament was ripped open to expose us all to cancer inducing death rays from the Sun there was a nice tropical greenhouse effect that would have been unlikely to produce the pasty white, alabaster, goth clubbing, duo so often appearing in old paintings on the subject.
12. Bush (No Brazillian)
While pubic hair was traditionally absent in paintings until relatively recently, (either due to; it being too tricky to paint or morally objected too by the powers that be, potentially being nonexistent for a long time in our history due to some breed of prolific crablouse that ran rampant through Europe for a few centuries, or maybe after loading up their models full of wine painters were still too embarrassed to get a proper look at the rude bits, or maybe everyone was just bathing in boiling hot wax for a few hundred years) it certainly existed from day one and back in the good old Garden of Eden days surely would have gone uncropped.
13. Hairy Legs.
The Epilady and its various related products that dominantly occupy free-to-air televisions deadshift between 11pm and 5am (that’s clearly difficult to find entertaining material to fill despite an enormous back catalogue of classic British and American sitcoms, not to mention a bazillion hours of schlocky horror films and trippy science fiction films you’d need life extending cybernetic assistance from an alien benefactor to have sufficient time to view in completion), was a mere 6 millennia away from production leaving Eve with Chewbacca legs.
So the next time someone gets an attack of ‘the smugs’ on your watch over pointing out the belly button error in a classic painting of Mr & Mrs Eden you may deride their capacity for scrutiny and undermine their passing interest in religious literature loudly in the middle of the art gallery for all to scorn.
Copyright 2010 by Barend Nieuwstraten III - www.hellbastardcomix.com