Welcome to Hell Bastard Comix. (Go to 'MISC' to learn more)^

03 December 2014


So it's been a while since the last update (even longer since the last home page update) but thanks to a constructive dismissal I'm out of work. I found I was getting paid only 50% what people in my job do, and asked to be paid %60, then two of the newest members of my place of work flipped out at the audacity of asking to be paid a little less unfairly and basically had me squeezed out through a series of “performance reviews” that chastised me for basically following orders that magically piled up and dropped out of the sky after 11 years of faithful service. So the good news is more time to balance producing comics, music, and literature but no income to pay for hosting any of it and that'll be due come January. [please feel free to donate - button piggy at the top].

Any way, I managed to get an episode done between all the drama and other stuff....Hope you enjoy. 

30 April 2014


Alright, now that the Easter break has passed over, it's time for more comic action. Episode 126 of Captain Blah blah blah... is up and ready.

8 April 2014


Just for the record... British Naval uniforms from the 1780s-1830s that appear in this comic may vary from actual historical documentation on the matter by a significant margin. Not quite sure, how things got so far out of whack, or what diluted memory was corrupted by,  but it's far too late to rectify this, so in keeping with continuity let's just assume that in the telling of this story, there is different system... As you will see in episode 126.

Although the cruel irony is that historically accurate uniforms would have been far easier to draw. All though the difference in ranks would me fairly minimal in MSPainted detail.

16 August 2013


So after 13 years 'Oubliette 7' has been abandoned and 'Oubliette 8' is now partially operational (It won't be completely operational until the booze is up on the shelves). 10 days of solid moving and the weeks of looking for a new place before that has weakened the production line of comics, and the next for weeks will be largely devoted to Storyboarding a feature film, so things should be be back to normal by a couple weeks before Oktoberfest.

Episode 114 of Captain 'Half Face' Jack Mc Bastard is up and in place. And hopefully 115 won't take too long.

16 June 2013


Just updated the ‘Projects’ section. There are now 39 music releases; mostly albums, a few EPs, and a single. Feel free to wander over there and listen to them, there’s something for almost everyone.
Also episodes111 and 112 of Captain ‘Half Face’ Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate are up for your pleasure.

and a new header for BHR

Bent Helical Records music alternative

29 Oktober 2012

EPISODE 100 of C.H.F.J.McB.T.G.P

Hit a milestone! Epsiode 100 of Captain 'Half-Face' Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate is up.
(which is like 200 episode of any of the earlier comics in their 4 panel format).
So to celebrate, I'm going to have a nap...

17 September 2012


The 'Projects' section detailing various albums by several music projects and bands are now available to purchase. Click on the album to listen to and feel free to buy the ones you like. Do this to fill in time to make up for the delay in comic production [due to illness and all the work involved in putting all that music up]

28 August 2012


Nothing new... Just felt like saying hi. Episode 95 of Captain Half-Face Jack McBastard is up. Feel free to purchase somethign from the store, or donate. I am poor.

Really poor.

And no one is telling anyone about this which I choose to take as hint that it sucks, but I'm curious to see how the story goes so I guess I'll punch on just to find out.

28 March 2012


I have been uploading a lot of albums and songs to youtube latley of various projects found in the 'projects' section funilly enough... There's 276 tracks up so far, with more to come. So feel free to go the 'projects' section and click on an album to listen to. Once I have the back catilogue completely up (to work out some manner of filing sydtem) I'll work on making htem available for download.

Also, I made a rough animated GIF from frames in Episode 83 of 'Captain Half Face Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate' because I was bored and wondered what a Robotechesque action shot would look like.

Some manner of animated series could be fun. But then this comic would need a much bigger audience. So, you know, tell people and stuff.

16 January 2012


So Episode 77 of Captain Half Face Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate is up after some much needed holidaying, and  I tried advertising the site with an advertising coupon but apparently the internets doesn't like the word 'Bastard' which is weird considering how few parents are actually married these days. This makes things impossible to spread the word, however, and so I'm putting all the pressure on you the readers, to casually (but persistently) bring this comic up in conversation at dinner parties, on message boards, in elevators, at urinals, during funerals, at parties, on public transport with strangers, over the PA system of your local supermarket, at your next job interview, when trying to stall the waiter at a restaurant because you're the only one at the table who hasn't decided what to eat yet, to loved ones on your death bed, to kidnappers, to famous people you're struggling to think of what to say to, to people you're arresting as part of their rights, to police who may be arresting you to used against you in a court of law, to firemen when they ask you how many people are in the house, as a response to cashiers at fast food joints who ask you if you'd like fries with that, as part of a hostage negotiation, while coming out of the closet to your parents, to your mugger, and anywhere else you get an opportunity to open your mouth.


(PS Mention the T-shirts and stuff)

10 November 2011



All music refered to in the "Other" or "Other Projects" section of this site is now available on youtube for listening. Feel free to check some stuff out, and say nice things underneath. Just uploaded 105 tracks of various genre, so hope you like.


More projects up soon, and all albums aavailable for higher quality DL soon.

27 September  2011

Well the most holy time of year is upon us again and yet production continues at a healthy pace (every few days) despite an unhealthy consumption of festbier and the food that goes with it. Perhaps this years batch of festbier has some special quality to which this rate of production is to be attributed. So, to be on the safe side, I have order enough to last a considerable time.

Now, like you, I forgot to go pick up one of these bad boys; My very own Blutbrau Stein. Let's click on the image to rectify this:

03 August 2011

As some of you may have noticed there has been a delay in comic production. This is because George R R Martin's latest instalment of A Song of Ice and Fire series 'A Dance with Dragons' required every spare moment I had devouring this 1000 page tome. It was awesome, by the way.

But now that's done, episode 057 of 'Captain Half Face Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate' is well underway.

Also, I'll be reuploading all the music in the 'Other Projects' section for imporved quality, and some new albums are nearly ready to join them.

06 July 2011

 Trying out the FB badge option...

No pic... awesome.

30 June 2011

Just an update to tell you I still work here....

Seriously, I forgo, what I was going to say and thought posting this would help.

It didn't.


26 May 2011

The store is up and running! Quick, click "store" and go buy something. Slim pickings for now, but there will more products available soon. 


10 May 2011

Government warning

This is what you find, trying to access this site from an Australian Government Department terminal.
"Tasteless and Obscene"? Where do they get off?

Well, obviously not the same depraved, rat infested, unholy pits of despair in which I do.

Tasteless and Obscene... really.
Anyway Captain Half Face Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate's episode 51 "Mouthfull of Seamen" is up.

30 March 2011

The PROJECTS section is now rife with FREE MUSIC!!! Albums you can Download from Bent Helical Records in multiple genres (punk/metal/industrial/electronica/ambient/medeival folk/ other!

So enjoy.

14 February 2011


Happy VD to all... here’s a romantic image with a heart in it, to show you how romantic I am.

Heart Valentines Day St.Valentines Romance Mr.Von Bastard Snr. Queen alien

10 February 2011


New Navigational tools are up and running (If not you need to refresh your browser Ctrl-F5).
Anyway, spent the best part of Sunday designing them and Oli spent the best part of this week
implementing them so enjoy. Floating nav-com tools to come soon.

Also some music news to direct your attention to the 'Projects' section. The first full Hypoid album 'Neurotica'  is finally available so go get it. Also there is a Remix single of Ministry's Psalm 69 called 'Revolution No.69'

Revolution No.69 (Ministry Psalm 69 Remix by Hypoid)

Hypoid Neurotica

Also available at:

Feel free to support. Money made from these releases goes to this site, so it's like a donation in which you get something back. (If you like ugly music)

As an added bonus they exist digitally only, just to stick to all those hippies who go on about saving the environment on their factory produced, unbiodegradable compact discs in manufacturered environmentally unfriendly plastic cases, with covers made from paper from slaughtered trees printed in inks that... that... well I don't what's so bad about the inks, but you get the idea. This album is pure, clean, noise pollution.


07 February 2011


Well as it turns out, if you give a starving a man a free meal you need to serve it on fine china or it’s just an insult. So too is a webcomic with simplistic no frills, no fuss navigation and an apparent 1990s web-design look to it. Hey if it were up to me it would have an 1890s look to it, with oak panelling, Victorian gas lights, brass railing, and a grand marble fireplace somewhere. Either way, to satiate the unimpressed masses who refuse to dig in without adequate garnishing I’ve spent the weekend designing new navigational tools to spruce the place up a bit (at the expense of continuing work on the next episode so I hope it will be worth it).

Look forward to hearing how they offend you and prevent you from reading this comic or telling your friends about it.
Also, thanks to those who donated to the great rehosting fund. Your assistance has enabled me to pay the electricity bill (which came in at the same time), thus enabling work to continue throughout the shortest rent month of the yearI like to call; 'F***ruary'. May you be adorned with hugs, kisses, and non-mass-produced beer.
As for the rest of you... more money couldn’t hurt. The less money I pour into hosting, domain registry, etc.; the more capitol I have for getting T-shirts and beer mugs made. Also telling the odd person you pass in your travels to build up a following couldn’t hurt.

11 January 2011


Slight delay in Production. On holidays, and two days before New Years Eve I tore the ligament in my ankle leaving me couch bound and trapped in my home which has also been flooding. 2011 is so far showing itself to be a jerk, as I should be mobile again just in time for my return to work. Meanwhile they're about to start ripping up the walls and floor and I can't go anywhere because I can't have a shower and can still barely walk. Summer vacation wasted... although being stuck on the couch has allowed me to marathon the 'Hornblower' and 'Sharpe' series (RIP Pete Postlethwaite, who totally steals the show as Hawkeswill) and made me realise how innacurate my representation of British uniforms has been. Bun then there seems to be some different Navel uniforms of the same ranks, and Hornblower doesn't seem to make it clear why... so if anyone knows a good informative rescource site on these things feel free to let me know by clicking the red Vuvuzela (horn thing) in the top left corner of the site.

Halfway through drawing Episode 44 of Captain 'Half-Face' Jack McBastard the Giant Pirate. Taking a while with all the interruptions.

Heinrich Von Bastard Barend Nieuwstraten III flood


30 November 2010


Comments are back up and running. Get in there and spread some love there's only 300+ pages to fill so get cracking!!!


Oh... also, fiddling around with T-shirt designes, I hope you all like wearing black... unless that turns out to be too expensive, then I hope you all like wearing white or some other colour that will have people questionaing your sexuality and asking who the hell is this Heinrich Von Bastard that no reputable webcomic links to?

Well you tell them I hope they get run down by a combine harvester down a dark alley.

...and kick them when you tell them.


11 November 2010

Just noticed, the comments feature is missing... An internal investigation will be undertaken, and the culprits brought to justice.

29 Oktober 2010

Back from holidays, more comics coming soon. Also there is now a contact form if you really need to bug me about something. it's the top left hand corner, obscurely disguised as some manner of Vuvuzela or whatever those noisy plastic horns from the last World Cup were called....

It's not what i had in mind, and would ask for it to be changed if it didn't make me laugh so, when i noticed it.

So if you need to contact me you now can. Just make sure it's important and not something better suited to the comment section at the bottom of every page on this sight, which are dangerously underused.

So if you are some kind of giving money type person that contacts comic artists before sending them huge bundles of cash, this would be a good way to do it. If you are a convention organiser that couldn't get the dude who emptied the bins in the change room of that guy that played the fourth Klingon from the left in the back ground of a 12 second scene in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 and need an urgent bill filler, that would be the place to go. If you are a remotely attractive female with enough low self esteem to send me nude pictures of yourself, that's the place to do it. If you are a time traveller with tomorrows winning lottery results, cheers very much, and through the red horn thing you go before tearing back through the fabric of time to meet me on the other side where we'll use our cash to make upper middle class people fight for scraps of bling...

And so on.

4 Oktober 2010

Just realised, we'd past the 300 Episode mark about 4 episodes ago... Horay!!! To celebrate, I'm going to two parts of bugger all, because I just checked the stats and pretty much no one reads this comic at all. In fact, I'm probably the only person who is actually going to read this update... which makes me wonder why I'm still typing, actually.... I... er.... hmmmmm....

As you were, then.


As I was... I guess.

...screw it I'll buy myself something nice.

23 September 2010

Now, while I’ve had the foresight to not announce or set myself a comic schedule, any release rate that you’ve become  accustomed to may be affected by the seasonal release of delicious harvest fest brews that tend to occupy my every waking thought around this time of year. This may also have unpredictable effects on the coherency of plot and dialogue if inspiration hits during a drought of clarity pockets. Ultimately it will probably have no noticeable effect on anything and I’ll have just generated more confusion in that disclaimer than can be realistically anticipated.
And yes... I started the Oktoberfest celebrations last night by attending the tapping of a keg, which probably explains the inexplicable nature of the explanation above.


02 September 2010

Phew... Chapter 21 of 'Captain "Half-Face" Jack McBastard' is up and full of all the elements as the HMS Peckham and it's crew lead a fleet against the Evicserator in unsavory weather. I threw up a couple in the 'Random' section too if you're bored.

Fireship Down Watership Down Heirich Von Bastard Captain half face jack mcbastard crash sword giant pirate war sea battle Yar, it's drivin' me nuts

Also, for your assistance, there's now a search feature at the top of every page, so you can type in a line or quote or related subject to track down your favorite chapter.

23 August 2010

Another 10 day void. I hurt my spine so I couldn't sit at a computer to MSPaint any chapters and had laryngitis so I was unable to provide dialogue too.
Back on track though... should be new chapters as you read this.

02 August 2010

Why hello again... Nothing new to report, just felt like I hadn’t added anything to this section for a while. Site’s being worked on a little chapters in the pirate saga are being added at a slightly increased pace. Well two new ones are up anyway.
Remember to leave lots of loving comments while you are here if your board and to click the ‘donate’ button and donate if your rich and bored. (My socks all have holes in them so really, please, click that damn button)

If your new to the site I recommend the ‘Archive’ Button as unlike other webcomics this isn’t just one big ongoing adventure but several... although they probably could be assembled into one big one in the end, but I’m drawing specific stories as inspiration hits so the quality would vary in a strange way as they not drawn chronologically sensitive.
Hope that makes sense, if not oh well.  Sorry.

28 June 2010

Awfully sorry for the temporary lapse in production, but I have been sick as a dog (one of those sick dogs, not the healthy ones you see in park running around barking and chasing balls). Back on my feet soon.
I know what you’re thinking... I should be able to draw more if I’m home sick, but that’s not the case. The violent coughing bumps the mouse and it all goes everywhere (the drawn line, not the contents of my lungs)

31 May 2010

Yarrr...The Pirate years is underway, although the title’s too long and the header for each episode get’s cut off. Something for ‘OliD’ the IT dude to look at when he gets back from his honeymoon. And Congratulations on that BTW. I got very drunk at the wedding dinner thing and continued the celebrations long after everyone else went home... Which put a massive dent in my finances.
Just went crazy all night. Why can’t I just get into a fight and call ex-girlfriends like other people who’ve had far too much to drink tend to do and still get a decent sleep afterwards? Huh?

Judas Priest Breaking the Law Breaking der law keg tap german beer bavarian bier World War 1 soldiers sing-a-long
Just to make sure there’s no confusion in the chronology of events.... I should make it clear that the adventures of and under the banner ‘Captain “Half-Face” Jack McBastard: The Giant Pirate’ take place between ‘Birth of a Bastard’ Ep:068 and Ep:070. So if, when it’s completed, you wanted to read everything in order, hopefully that would help.

EDIT: Fixed the title problem.

18 May 2010

Alright, then well... Finally finished transcribing the text from every single comic on the sight. All that screen- reading has diminished my ability to spot shiny things on the ground in video games.
Red eyes redeye bloodshot blurry vision sore dry over taxed need soothing dropper action and all that late night smoke filled rooms staring at computer screens back pain even bad posture
Still getting used to the tablet... and working on a format of using it. So templates and the like will need to be worked on. So what I’m thinking is that I might continue with the next story, and just work harder on it so it looks a little nicer, just to continue production.  I’ll see how that works out.
Hope you’re all having a reasonably comfortable day, thank you all for your patience.

18 May 2010

Currently writing scripts for each comic under each comic. Personally, I'm regretting putting so much dialogue in. But at least this will... uh... actually I've forgotten why I'm doing this. Oh yes! Search engine friendlyness.  Nearly half way through 'Birth of a Bastard' as we speak.

Thinking about also including a reference guide so that esotric undertones become blatently obvious overtones. I hate explaining jokes, but then I like (and consequentially reference) things that perhaps not everyone has seen/read/listened too. But also it would be a chance to share with you the things I love instead of making vague references you have no chance of getting and then judging you for it. Of course doing that sort of thing is also one of my hobbies. But who know's maybe you'll find something you love as a result adn send me money in gratitude. Who knows.

But then... in the end.. I might not be arsed.

17 May 2010

Ride the tigarh!!!

dio holy diva shower slayer ammunition box tiles water skull yeah

Showers will be sadder

16 May 2010

The introductory tale of 'Birth of a Bastard' is fully uploaded. If you're new to this site then I should warn you that 'Birth of a Bastard' doesn't really get going till episode 15 or so.... up and till then it's more of a moody one-shot-at-a-time mood set, that if anything sets up completely the wrong mood.

Hope you enjoy.


'Contact' and 'donate' facilities will be available shortly. So you can contact and or donate. I'm not sure why anyone would need to contact me, so it's really just there for emergencies. If you have something nice to say, you may as well just say it as many times as possible under as many different comics as possible. This will help pass the day. If you have something nasty to say then click the 'donate' button and donate me an amount of dollars equal to an offensive number. Numbers that hurt my feelings are: 10,000.00 or say 100,000.00 not to mention 1,000,000.00. If you donate an amount like this, It'll be far more effective than hatemail, and I'll know that that's why you did it and promise to drink myself to death with the cash to rid you of my free entertainment that you're under no obligation to expose yourself too.

So please.. Give Maliciously.

Money evil zombie Washington slave owner pentagram satan goat 666

13 May 2010

(Although there's still a couple to upload)

Well that was fun. I'm glad I got that story off my chest. I finally get to experiment with the tablet now and start work on The Pirate Years 'Captain "Half-face" McBastard: the Giant Pirate'

I'm thinking about running another mouse drawn MSPaint comic at the same time, so I've got something to do when I'm not at home and left to entertain myself on another computer. Not Sure... Although, I'd like to give 'Birth of a Bastard' a 7 part epilogue just to give it a nice square archive.

We'll see...


04 May 2010

It's not big news, but people were complaining about the murky green because obviously it's not anyone's cup of tea. So because you all wanted something more dazzling I thought I'd go and make something that made the site look like a hair salon from the early 1980s.

Let's throw on some Human League and Animotion and tease our hair.


03 May 2010

spectrox toxemia doctor who death metal heinrich von bastard
There's a 'Birth of a Bastard' theme song by Spectrox Toxemia at it's myspace page http://www.myspace.com/spectroxtoxemia
(there's a clickable link in the 'Other Projects' section)

Here's the Lyrics


Born… in hell to raise it Spat out in a purple ooze
in front of Satan, daemons, cultists, and pterodactyls…
Born…. In hell to praise it Through an epic battle
Of alien squids and crystallised terror factions

I… was… sent… to … earth…. To… conquer
Reshape… history... not… To… Concur

Birth of a bastard, Birth of a demon spawn
Birth of a bastard, Birth of a super villain
Birth of a Bastard, Birth of an evil genius
Birth of a Bastard, Birth of the end of Earth

Joined the revolution, For exposed bosom,
Served with Napoleon, Grew to thirty feet tall
Killed so many red-coats, Till my flesh was shredded
Drowned out in the ocean, By Nelson and Wellesley

(Chorus 1)

I… lost… half… my… Face… and… stole…. Some…
Port… and… or… rum…From… Poseidon …

(Chorus 2)

Spent some years a pirate, Like a really big one
Till Poseidon found me, and tore off my whole face
Then the Leviathan, Swallowed me whole to take
Me to Hell my real home, Over several years though
So I built a small town, Ran it like a tyrant
Made some beer from humans, Till the still exploded
Back to hell I trained with, Hellyoda the wicked
Some other crap happened, Then god punched my head off

(Chorus 2)


No news as such.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the comic reading public for both comments.  Glad to see that feature is getting some use. I’m just popping in to post an alternative image for the front page (which I’ll do every now and then just to create more alternative images for links and what not).
Here we go. Nothing special, just something else. As you were... back to work and all that.

Heinrich Von Bastard Cigar Cuban hypno spiral

28 April 2010

There is now a ‘comments’ facility under each comic, so if you want to say something, say something, say a lot. I only ask that you try and keep the potty mouth to a minimum as you may warp the minds of the younger readers. All both of them. If you’re going to swear your tits off, at least have enough legible words in between to project a clear general idea or concept.
I make this crap up as I go along so your opinions and queries may tilt the story towards your needs.
Oh, and if you came here just to be a hater, thanks. You clearly make the world a better place.


18 April 2010

Well 'Birth of a Bastard' is nearly finished and a few more stories are washing around in my head (because thoughts to domestic duties). The BOAB gap for the Pirate years is next on my agenda, as is a story/series to follow 'End of the World'

Coming Soon:

Captain Half Face Jack McBastard, The Gian Pirate

26 March 2010

Show your love on Facebook, and become a fan.

No Twitter...  screw that noise.

Also, I just checked, that link doesn't work... going to have to talk to the IT department. Just look it up.

Also, also... going to look into re-compressing images so they don't come out grainey. This will take a really long time so be patient... well, you probably won't notice a thing, when it's fixed, but there were some hand selected colours I'd like to see restored that I was very proud of.

22 March 2010


All comics up, and accounted for (although a little grainy)

Hi, welcome to the ‘Adventures of Heinrich Von Bastard’. Where to begin explaining all this. Well it all started somewhere here: www.somethingawful.com  Under the name of Hellbastard (which happens to be the name of a metal band, that had, at the time split up as far as I knew,  (they got back together) so that’s why this site is called www.hellbastardcomix.com and why Heinrich Von Bastard is often referred to as Hellbastard, as most people that have followed these silly drawings prior to this site’s existence know me by that name.  So sorry for the confusion or inconvenience if there is any.

About the Comics.

These comics were all drawn  by mouse in Microsoft Paint as part of a traditional challenge that became habit.(Allthough photoshop has been used about three times for blur effects) Thanks to a mysterious benefactor who I will only mention by name if he says that’s cool (Internet anonymity and all that) Future projects will be hopefully drawn with the aid of a tablet. (once I get used to it).

They were compressed a little for internet friendliness which has resulted in a little graininess.  Depending on popularity I might produce physical printed versions of some of these comics if people want them. This site has yet to be finished so comments, message boards,  contact information is yet to be provided. So I’m just going to assume you like it until the facilities are there for you to slag it out.

As the stories stand in this current order:

Is actually a prequel to the adventures that have been covered here and elsewhere.  So it’s the most recently drawn and should hopefully explain that origins of the Heinrich Von Bastard and why he’s a giant floating skull.


Is about the successful end of civilisation as we know it at the hands of  Mr. Von Bastard. Yeah that’s a bit of a spoiler, but then again, look at the title. It’s also an origins story about the band Spectrox Toxemia www.myspace.com/spectroxtoxemia (if you want to hear)

King Viet Kong a short story made short by my not knowing to where to go with it. Might open that to  public control at some point, when I have nothing better to do that serve a as a choose your own adventure dancing monkey for the amusement of others

Based on a Something Awful Forums art thread. A Speculative collection of insights into a potential future exploring random moments that highlight the many fears and concerns of aspiring parents.

Random crap originally posted on www.somethingawful.com mostly of no relevance to anything else here buy stuff I was shamefully proud of and wanted to preserve. Stuff that is largely out of context but not as bafflingly out of context as the multitudes of esoteric gibberish I’ve wilfully omitted from this collection. Which is shame because a lot of that would explain how the character of Heinrich Von Bastard first emerged. Primarily a series of drawings by many contributors in which avatars battled each other.

A parody of X-Men Comics. Ends abruptly and with loose ends. May come back to finish it, but it does amuse me to have it end where it seems to. So who knows.

Well, hope that sheds some light on why this site exists.


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